My boobs are sick. And I don't mean that in the positive-slang "That's sick,dude!" sort of way. They aren't working right. They are trying though. I mean, after all, they are solely responsible for feeding an entire human at the moment. And she's HUNGRY. It's a big job.
I've made calls to my midwife and the nurses at the OB clinic and visits to the nurses and lactation specialists at Pediatrics on Lester. They've all been lovely and so helpful. And at the end of our visits, they've prescribed one medication or another for me… antibiotics and anti-fungal treatments, etc.
I've also talked with my natural-oriented/hippie friends here and they've suggested acidophilus and hot compresses and massage and air-drying and sunlight.
I've spent lots of time reading online about things I can do, and have read about vinegar solutions, no sugar, no diary, garlic tablets.
And I have a friend who said, are you doing too much? do you just need more rest?
Everyone means well. EVERYONE who has an opinion or advice. They all mean well. But in the end, I've had a few moments in the last weeks when I've felt like poop-on-a-stick and a also a bit of a failure because of not knowing what to do. I've been tempted to lop of the offending breasts or just stop talking to all the helpful humans or run home to Mom.
Lucky for me, Mom arrived last week, squeaking in on a flight just after the typhoon passed us by (HOW amazing that it barely dinged us and is wreaking such havoc in Taiwan and China now!). Her arrival has greatly helped with getting more rest. And I've decided to do a crazy combination of the other suggestions — but I'll freely admit that giving up my cheese and ice cream has NOT been adopted well.
The boobs are improving and I'm feeling more sane. But this is not the first time this has happened… a crisis I don't know how to solve. And the over abundance of helpful help. The feeling that I don't know what to do in the face of differing and strong advice.
I think living overseas makes this more extreme. The people we might most commonly ask for guidance are either deployed or far across the wavy sea. So we're left to ask advice from strangers or new friends or scour Google for those always-accurate internet answers.
Some would say that listening to my heart is the best way to go. But I believe that we are placed within community for reasons. We don't live alone on a mountaintop. We live together. In this village.
So I'm wondering, how do you handle these mini- and sometimes maxi-questions in your life? Whose advice do you heed? How do you wade through the opinions and find your spot in it all? Tell me. Help me…
**BTW, not seeking breastfeeding advice here — got enough of that already!
Well I think I kinda know how you feel. I had only been on the island 3 months when I had my little boy. My parents were here and that was wonderful. Then my in-laws came and that was less than wonderful. Haha! But after everyone left, I was “alone” with this new little person as a new mommy in a new country. Blah! He was also a very needy baby and I could NEVER get anything done. Oh yeah and he didn’t take naps either. THE MOST awake newborn I have ever seen!! He didn’t start taking naps until he was 5 months old. He just turned 6 months so I’m still in love with this new nap thing. It’s great! As far as breastfeeding, I don’t have any advice but I can kinda sympathize with you. Mine weren’t sick but they just didn’t work. I never produced enough milk. I also worked with the lactation consultant and tried a drug or 2 to help it along. After about 3 months of nursing and then giving a bottle at EVERY SINGLE feeding (which took about an hour every time), we cut back to just nursing 4 times a day. Then 3, then 2 and he just completely weened himself about a month ago. I was sad cause I wanted SO bad to nurse my baby, but guess it just wasn’t meant to be. He is a formula baby now (never thought I would have one of those), but he is very healthy! So what did I do to get out of my funk? Talked to my mom on the phone every day. Made my hubby listen to me whine (which he did). Talked to friends at home as often as I could. And made new friends here which helped a lot! Also, my trip back to the states this summer helped a lot too! I got a good dose of the great USA and I was ready to come home to Okinawa. I now appreciate both places so much more than I did before. I am excited about spending the next 2 years here! I’m also excited that my son gets to experience it too, even though he may not remember much of it. Oh yeah and I think another thing that helped is just getting used to being a mommy. I’m guessing this is your first? Yeah…it’s definitely a BIG CHANGE! I always wanted to be a mommy and I love being a mommy, but it’s tough work! Especially when you didn’t go to school for it or anything. But now that my son is 6 months, I have a little better handle on things. I don’t stress out as much. I think I’m finally getting the hang of it! Well…I don’t know if this helped you any but I hope so! Hang in there Momma and enjoy the ride!
I too became a mom here on Okinawa and the separation from family can be both a burden and a blessing, I’ve found. I read a lot, talked with other moms, and mainly learned what worked for my daughter and I through a lot of trial and error. My daughter is 2.5 now and we still have our challenges but muddle through them together. I think you’ve received a lot of well meaning advice and suggestions and what I learned was take what you want and leave the rest. I like to think most people have good intentions even when things are said the wrong way and that helps me to be more gracious (usually:)). Motherhood is a journey and if you were back home you might not have all of the same problems that you have here but there would be other problems and challenges. It sounds to me like you are on the right track- don’t close yourself off from advice and help but definitely yet kindly let people know when you’ve had enough.
All of my plans and best intentions on how I would do things as a mom went topsy turvy when my daughter arrived. I swore I would never let my child sleep in bed with me but when it came down to sleeping or being a stickler on where she slept, sleep won and for the first nine months of her life she shared the bed with us. I got all kinds of grief over that from back home and people here but it worked for our family. Oftentimes she still sneaks in for a snuggle in the wee hours of the morning but she went to her own bed and sleeping on her own at her pace and not some rule enforced- this is how things should be done way.
Same with nursing, if it works for the two of you that is fantastic, if not let it go and don’t feel guilty about it. I was glad that I stuck through it during those early difficult periods but we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves. I applaud you for your effort but make decisions based on you and her and your family and try and let go of the pressure and guilt. Easier said than done I know, but it helps if you can.
As for getting things done, the sling was my best friend for the first year of my little girl’s life. Dr. Sears, “The Baby Book” has excellent references on the sling and multiple other subjects and was my “baby bible” in the early days. I like the tone and it aligns with the parenting style I’m most comfortable with as a mom. I hope there was a kernel of information that helps and welcome to the amazing, scary, confusing and full of surprises world of motherhood!
When I need advice, I try to ask the people that I think will know the information the best. Advice on where to get a pedicure? I ask the people with the cute toes. Advice on child rearing? NOT the neighbor who screams at her kids and lets them run around outside all day. I have different friends who are good for different advice. I’ve got a friend who loves to shop. Great at advice on where to shop, or if something is a good deal. Not great at giving advice on finances.
And when it comes down to it…and I still feel like I need help, I take a quiet moment and have a talk with God. Especially on big decisions. When I feel at peace, I know I’ve made a good choice.
Good luck, and congrats on your new little one!
This article reminded me of a speaker I heard at a Military Spouses’ Conference in Hawaii. The current Heloise, as in “Helpful Hints From” shared her and her mother, the original Heloise’s history. Heloise was a military wife in Hawaii in 1958. Back then Hawaii was still a year away from statehood and communication home was via mail that could take months or the occasional MARS radio call (for those of you old enough to remember those). One day she mentioned to a rather famous general that women needed an advice column in the newspaper that addressed real issues like how to remove a stain or cook a pot roast, instead of whether or not a hostess of a tea party should wear a hat because all the guests would wear hats, but since the hostess hadn’t gone outside, she didn’t need one, etc. That general told her, “You are only a woman, what do you know?” Well she knew enough to get dressed up and find out when the editor of the Honolulu Advertiser was out of the office. She then went by and left her card. The editor asked his secretary who she was, and the secretary replied, “I don’t know, but she looked important.” When she finally did meet with the editor, she offered to work for free for 30 days. That was the beginning of the Helpful Hints column and all the articles and books published since then.
I do turn to friends and neighbors for advice when I need it and I am thankful that as long as I get the time change correct, I can call home to ask for a favorite recipe, how to do… and all those things we ask our mothers, even when we are grown with children of our own.
I found your post so refreshing! Not in the sense that your conundrum sounds like fun, no; but in the sense that what you wrote articulated things that I wrestle with as well, and so must others. I’m 6 weeks on the island, husband deployed already, and I have a 6-month old daughter and plenty of questions. Of the practical variety (farmers market, taking the baby to the pool), but also of the soul-searching or single-parenting variety. How to keep daddy fresh in my daughter’s mind? How to handle the repetition and responsibility of our evening routine without any backup? How to diagnose the recent spike in our little girl’s fussiness? (Turned out to be teeth.) I have met many, and many wonderful, people here; but no matter how lovely, after just 6 weeks no one is a fast and true friend. Acquaintances with promise, if you will. So: I don’t have an answer about how to find answers, just an appreciation for the question. I email family and friends at home, skype with my husband, and talk thru what I’m comfortable with amongst my new friends. That baby girl of mine gets an earful of me thinking out loud, parsing out different plans or options. But I also spend time in my own head, second-guess myself, and from time to time try to just ignore the questions. All very human coping strategies, I think! Self-awareness and self-reliance go a long way, but not all the way, not everytime. Course knowing that other folks have been dealt the same hand helps as well – so keep the posts coming! Thanks for sharing, and inviting sharing back